Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[Brigand]

Moi?!

[T. Highway]

Moi?!

Not you Bob, I meant the other Bob (W30Bob).

Bert

[Paddyofurniture]

I am mot saying anything with a nickname of "Paddy".

[Brigand]

Moi?!

Not you Bob, I meant the other Bob (W30Bob).

Bert

Not to worry Tom, we all bear watching here.

[Brigand]

Village life Northern England seems queer to the outsider, more so in places that are still agrarian in nature. I don't propose to give a dissertation on the Yorkshire dialect here. Only to say that I moved there as an infant and remained for seven years. I can vouch for the fact that people still speak regularly in that dialect and in fact there are societies set up to preserve it.

Young Burwick was a farmer; a huge bull of a man. His given name was John like his father Old Burwick. He would remain young Burwick tho until his father old Burwick passed on; and old Burwick at seventy-six years showed no sign of ill health. The two of them were trying to uproot a huge long dead Hawthorne in the lower field. The tree had been struck by lightning when old Burwick was then known as young Burwick himself. They had hitched four draft horses together and the had attached them by way of a draw bar with a half inch chain wrapped as high around the trunk as they could manage. In addition they had the Mason brothers doing the same with their new tractor. They were set to pull at opposite angles so that when the tree fell, it would strike neither horse nor tractor. On a signal from old Burwick the horses were set to work, the tractor roared and the old tree creaked and popped and leaned slightly. After a few minutes of this there was a sound like a gunshot, louder even than the roar of the tractor and the team lurched forward. “Whoa” called young Burwick, “stop” called Mason the elder and all was quiet. They all knew where the problem lay; the large chain attached to the team had parted. Young Burwick heard the link buzz past his ear like an angry hornet. “It liked to kilt me” he growled. The consensus was that the tree would have to wait until the chain was mended by the blacksmith.
The next morning young Burwick donned his leather hood to protect his neck, and gloves to save his hands from pinching. And then, picking up the two lengths of chains away he started for the blacksmith two miles distant. The weight of the chains didn’t bother young Burwick and they made little noise until he came to the cattle guards where they made such a din as to startle the sheep and cattle in the nearby pastures and drew farm wives from their kitchens in fright. Presently the village doctor happened by in his old Austin seven just as young Burwick was crossing the last bridge and cattle guard before the village. The doctor said “by gum, you are surely setting up a racket with those chains. Why on earth are you dragging them along like that?” “Well” said young Burwick not stopping, “for a man with letters after his name thou dun’t know owt do thee? “ The doctor a bit taken back by this response said “now Burwick, that’s no way for you to talk. I simply asked why you were dragging those chains behind.” Young Burwick paused in his progress, he faced the doctor and with the patience of Job said “have thee ever tried to push a chain?”

[Monkey Man]

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired Marine in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her

coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired Marine and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old Marine replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."



MM

[Monkey Man]

An American, a German and MM are in a bar. They're staring at another man. Suddenly the Yank says, "It's Jesus!" Sure enough, it was Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Budweiser, a pint of Becks and a bottle of Boags.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. When he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of Yank and shakes it, thanking him for the Budweiser.

When he lets go, the Yank gives a cry of a amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Kraut's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go the man's eyes widen with shock. "Ach du lieber , the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches MM who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.

MM shouts, "Back off, I'm on Workers Compensation!"

MM

[Monkey Man]

MM hobbled into a doctor's office. "I think I broke my foot."
"What happened?"
"Well, it all started twenty years ago."
"Twenty years?" the startled doctor exclaimed.
"Yep. I had just started as an apprentice to Sean O'Toole in his forge and I was sleeping in his hayloft. The first night, his young daughter climbed up into the hayloft and asked me if there was anything she could do for me. I said, 'No, I'm comfortable.' and she left."
"So?" asked the doctor.
"Then, the next night, she climbed up there again, but this time wearing only a nightgown. 'Now is there anything I can do for you?' she asked me and again I told her, 'Nope. I'm good.' "
"I don't understand," said the doctor.
"Then, on the third night, she climbed up there stark naked and asked me the same thing. And again, I said I was fine, and she left."
"I'm confused," said the doctor. "What does this have to do with your broken foot?"
"I'm getting' there, doc. This afternoon, when I finally realized what she'd meant, I got so mad I kicked a tree!"

MM

[Monkey Man]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

MM

[m-37Bruce]

All good & funny MM, Howz it going , well I hope? The beer & Jesus was a hoot!

[Monkey Man]

All is good Bruce, My Family are all well and I am on the mend, short term memory is still bad though....what's your name again?? OK, it's not that bad but it is a problem, less and less by the day....
I hope all is well with you all

MM

[Brigand]

Great jokes Tony, Glad to hear you're battling back.

Here's a couple more silly jokes to lighten your load.



A great conference of beer producers was held in New York. At the end of the meeting all of the presidents of the breweries decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Budweiser, Adolphus Busch orders his own brand, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Then the barman asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Arthur Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"No he says, If you men won't be drinking beer, then I won’t either.”

[Brigand]

and then there's this....

A muleskinner was driving his new bride home behind a team of particularly ornery mules. They had traveled a mere quarter of the way to the house when one mule balked and came to a standstill dragging the other mule to a stop with him. The muleskinner had a quick temper and not much more sense than the mules he drove. He growled an oath under his breath and jumped down from the wagon, and drawing a barrel stave from under the seat smacked the balky mule between the eyes. The muleskinner grabbed the mule by the ears and said “that’s once.” This had the desired effect and the mule proceeded down the road until they were about halfway to the house. Again the mule balked and refused to take another step. The muleskinner repeated the procedure and this time he used an axe handle. Again he seized the mule by the ears and said”that’s twice”
Again the mule complied until they were in sight of the barn and again the mule balked. The muleskinner’s patience was at an end, he jumped from the seat and grabbing his double barrel shot gun plugged the mule between the eyes. He cut the traces and drove the other mule to the barn.
His new wife who had held her tongue during her new husband’s first two encounters with the poor mule could contain her ire no longer. She let him have it; she shrilled and hollered about him shooting a perfectly good animal and what a fool she had married. On and on she wailed until the muleskinner had had all he could take and he thumped her between the eyes with his thumb and forefinger. She ceased her tirade momentarily and as she was drawing in a breath to continue he drew her face close to his and said cool voice” That’s once.”

[Brigand]

Our friend Seamus again.

A wealthy Irishman returned from America, He strode in to a pub in Dublin and declared that he would pay five hundred American dollars to the man who could drink thirty pints of Guinness back to back. There was of course a great commotion and in the uproar in the pub and our friend Seamus slipped out the door.
He returned in half an hour and walked up to the American and boldly asked if the bet was still on. The man replied that yes the bet was still valid as he had no takers yet. Well said Seamus “You have one now.” The thirty pints were pulled and a mere ten minutes later there were thirty empty glasses on the bar. As promised the American handed Seamus the five hundred dollars. He then asked Seamus where he had run off to earlier. Seamus grinned and then explained “I went to another pub down the street just to make sure I could do the deed.”

[Brigand]

And finally.


A firebrand Irish priest charges into a noisy pub and demands silence. He raises his hand and points to Fitzroy and says “Do want to go to heaven?” “I do says Fitzroy” the priest commands him to stand against far wall of the pub. The priest repeats the procedure with Malone, O’connor, Clancy the McCoy twins and old Michael Murphy. He then turns to our friend Seamus and asks him “Do you want to go to heaven?” Seamus replied “No sir Father, I do not”. The priest is dumfounded and quite outraged, He turns his full wrath on Seamus “Do you mean to tell me that you don’t want to go to heaven when you die?”
“Oh sure” says Seamus “Oh, when I die of course. I thought you was getting a group together to go right now, and me with half a pint yet to drink.”