Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[Monkey Man]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. Not a chance she replied. He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem" said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra." "What is Irish Viagra?" she asked. "It's Viagra dissolved in a cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes" he said.
She called the doctor the next day. "How did it go?" he asked. "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was horrid. Just terrible, I tell ya!! I'm beside meself!" "Really? What in the world happened?" "Well, I did as you advised. The Viagra in his coffee took effect right almost immediately. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle In his eye and his pants a-bulging fiercely. With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and saucers flying across the room, then he ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there on top of the table. Twas a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!" Why so terrible" asked the doctor." Wasn't the sex good?" "
Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again"

[Carter]

"Ole Blue"

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Alabama
that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says
"and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that lying SOB before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman

[Brigand]

Good one Carter, It reminded me of this old one.

Just outside of Des Moines was a fantastic farm, the absolute epitome of agriculture and animal husbandry. It grew so famous that the farmer began allowing tour groups to visit.
One day a tour group arrived and among them was a ventriloquist who thought he’d have a little fun and entertain the group a bit in the process. As the group entered the area where the animals were kept the farmer pointed out an old draft horse and explained that he no longer had to work for his keep. Just then the ventriloquist made it seem as though the horse was speaking and he appeared to say “Farmer Lundquist has always treated me well and he still feeds me even though I can’t pull a wagon anymore, I get plenty of hay but he’s a bit stingy with oats these days.” The crowd all laughed and farmer Lundquist looked concerned but said nothing. The group moved on to the dairy cows and once again the ventriloquist did his thing, A large Guernsey appeared to low” We’re all very happy here on Lundquist’s farm we get plenty to eat and the pastures bloom with clover , but I wish Old Lundquist would warm his hands before he milks us” the whole group laughed heartily and farmer Lundquist who had never encountered a ventriloquist before was very concerned. He said “odd, they’ve never said anything to me about it before.” The tour group laughed yet again. The tour group moved on to look at the ducks, chickens and geese, each had a few pithy comments but generally agreed that farmer Lundquist took very good care of them . It was the same with the pigs, But when the tour group started heading for the sheep pens Lundquist jumped out in front of them and said “I’m sorry but you can’t visit the sheep today, they’re under quarantine and besides they’re a big bunch of liars.”

[Monkey Man]

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

[Elwood]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes and said "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked "Why in the world would you need cyanide ?"
The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained "Lord have mercy !
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law.

I'll lose my license ! They'll throw both of us in jail ! Absolutely not !
All kinds of bad things will happen. You CANNOT have any cyanide.
Just get a divorce !"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Brigand]

Elwood, That was grand, My wife liked it especially.

[Brigand]

Please note that this little tale relates in no way to a gentleman on this site known as “Monkey Man”.

So Tony goes to his local Quack and tells him, “Doc! I’ve got shooting pains all over my body!” The Doctor nodded and asked him where specifically he was feeling these pains. And so the Doctor proceeded to prod Tony with his finger in a number of places on his person always accompanying each prod with “Does this hurt?” But always the answer was “No”
Finally the Doctor shrugged his shoulders and said “Well Tony, This condition may be psychological, I can recommend a good man; he’ll have you right as rain in no time at all”
Tony nearly blows a gasket, He practically screams “Doc I’m telling you the pain is real.” He then commenced poking himself in all the spots the Doctor had just done with each poke producing a wail of pain.
The Doctor said “Just a moment there old man, steady on, let’s have another look. This time hold up your hands.” Tony complies and the Doctor has a look and then says “You daft prat, your index fingers are broken.”

[Monkey Man]

Busted.....AGAIN!!!????


The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, not that there is anything wrong with that, came running up to me in the

driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy.

I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with
her. She said, "Bob, I have some really great news!"


I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping and, breathing
heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her,

"That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!

"Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She
said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins.

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her
how she knew. She said...

"That was the easy part. I went to Pharmasave and they actually

had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

[Brigand]

This one's a trifle misogynistic but as long as you don't tell it to your wife you should be okay. Of course if you needed a few husbanding points to cover your latest unauthorized purchase , you could call her attention to it and tell her how disgusted you were by the whole thing. Just don't show her this bit.

A Scottish man and his son were driving along Pico Boulevard in the trendy Westwood area of L.A., Many well heeled individuals visit the posh shops and restaurants in the area and it is also the home of UCLA. The boy had been watching the progress of a group of very petite black women in running togs. The women all appeared to the boy to be shorter than him, quite innocently he asked his father “UCLA has a lot of foreign students dad, do you think those ladies might be Pygmies from the Congo?”
The boys father who was already steamed about the effect on traffic they were having since they were running in the bike lane and would veer into traffic lanes to pass one another, replied thusly. “No son” he said in an even tone masking his annoyance “Pygmies would be a band of cunning runts.”………..[/size]

[Monkey Man]

Jenny Craig for Men....

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

So I decide to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it find Brigand standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you... you're mine."

I lost 63 pounds that week..........

[Carter]

Better run fast...

Gator Attack:
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. Alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....

The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyers’ fees was really incredible.

[Monkey Man]

HeHeHeHe, I like that one Carter.....


A woman meets Brigand in a bar one night,
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that Bob had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for Bob,
an obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
Bob gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:


'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[Brigand]

On one of his forays to the mainland, Tony and his mate Bruce (it’s Australia, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a Bruce) were having an ill considered dip in the Murray. Worse yet it was in a part of the river known to be teeming with great big old Salties with bad attitudes and murderous intent. None the less Tony and Bruce are paddling around and having a grand time. At one point while Bruce is under water, Tony hears an ominous splash and just catches the tail of a big croc entering the water intent on a spot of lunch. Tony was pretty sure he was on the menu so he yells “Croc” and lights out for shore. Just then Bruce surfaces and sees Tony swimming as fast as he can. Bruce Clever lad that he was presumed something had frightened Tony and lit out after him. Bruce had always been the faster swimmer and caught Tony just as they reached the bank and scrambled up it a good twenty yards before he stopped and looked back to see the Croc’s big old head poking up out of the water. “Crikey!, I thought we’d never outswim that big old bugger of a croc” said Bruce. Tony, who had finally regained enough breath to speak said, “I wasn’t trying to outswim the croc mate, I was just trying to outswim you.”

[Brigand]

Here's one more regarding marital bliss.

Olaf laid on his death bed wife his dear wife at his side.
“My dear he whispered, I have a confession to make” His wife protested that it wasn’t necessary and that he should save his strength.
“No he said, I must tell you this so I can have a clear conscience before I go.” His wife smiled and told him to proceed. Olaf said ”I’m ashamed to tell you dear but I’ve had affairs with many women in the forty years we’ve been married, but none of them meant anything to me. I’m sorry to have you find out this way and I’m very sorry if it gives you pain, I just thought you should know.” “There there, his wife said I knew about all of them so don’t worry about me I’ll be fine” Then she gave him a warm smile and said” Now lie back Dear, and let the poison work.

[m-37Bruce]

Choosing a Spouse



A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates.. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses
up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be
more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000... She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with
the money he'd given her.





Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.



There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be
a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.



If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be
five fewer people laughing in the world