Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

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Carter
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by Carter »

A Grandpa's Story

Last week I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My eight year old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen."

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

So after I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God and that God was not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

Really?" My grandson asked.

"Cross my heart", the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.


With a big smile he told her: "Here this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch!"

Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by Carter »

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

God replied: "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by Carter »

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal- mart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato
juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
"Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a "Code 3."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department, to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMT's were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme song.

12. October 6: In the Auto Department, he practiced his "Madonna Look" using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked,
"Where is the fitting room?"

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks passed out.
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by m-37Bruce »

We are going to need a bigger rest room!
Last edited by m-37Bruce on Tue Jul 14, 2015 5:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by Carter »

m-37Bruce wrote:We ae going to need a bigger rest room!
???
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by m-37Bruce »

SAT
Bruce,

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Keep Em Rollin'

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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by Carter »

WOW
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by Sal »

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini-vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

12. At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.


:mrgreen:
1954 M37 WO/W
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1967 M416
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by Carter »

Good one Sal, It seems to be all about me. :wink:
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by Sal »

LOL.... I felt the same way when I first read it, This is ME ! all except for #8 I haven't tried that yet. lol

Sal
:mrgreen:
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by Carter »

Sal wrote:LOL.... I felt the same way when I first read it, This is ME ! all except for #8 I haven't tried that yet. lol

Sal
:mrgreen:
Crazy glue on lips might help also but I have not enough nerve to try but I know some that need it.
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by m-37Bruce »

I thought the same thing!
Bruce,

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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by Monkey Man »

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad and stands next to the chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know," she says......
"I'm gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard."
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by Monkey Man »

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, "Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because [ censored ] holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you'll be on a constant and very exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

Allah replied quizingly, "Who said they were women???
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Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

Post by Sal »

Why females should avoid
a girls night out after they are married....


The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'.

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?

I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'

When I asked him why, he said,

'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

:mrgreen:
1954 M37 WO/W
1969 M101A1
1967 M416
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